Monthly Archive: October 2012

Oct 31

Crone is ma’am-o-grammed by hog-trappin’ cowboy

So Crone, you say, what’s doin’ down at the good old manure pile? Behold a couple of feral hogs, caught in a hog trap. The trap was set, and the photo taken, at the manure pile by my excellent barn contractor and fellow Cottonmouth Countian, Travis. Travis isn’t his real name, I confess. His real …

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Oct 27

Icy fingers of dawn choke Crone

What, you ask, could today’s melanbucolica possibly be? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the depressing morning raincloud sky, coupled with the season’s inexplicably having bloinked from summer straight into winter literally overnight. As I lay in bed curling a wrinkled lip at the grim panorama, the icy purgatorial skidsteer of doom crashed through my window …

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Oct 25

Gross horse reality neither jibes nor jives with cronal nostalgia

The author riding her first horse Serenade, ca. 1970

When you’re a kid — and I’m sure nobody will mind if I continue addressing these essays to the International Vagina Community; it is an ingrained habit, and, unlike most habits in which crones indulge, it has, at worst, a neutral impact on the good of humanity — but as I was saying, when you’re …

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Oct 24

Spinster aunt morphs into crone

Greetings, patriarchy blamers.* It’s really good to see you all again. Probably you’re wondering what the fuck, so: I’m just gonna say it: I just don’t feel like writing about prostitution, abortion, pornography, FGM, high heels, or shitbag straight dudes anymore. IBTP has been an enormously gratifying and edumuckational endeavor, but let’s face it. Patriarchy …

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Oct 23

Disgusting tableau of the day

Out here in the fields, I see creepy and disgusting things all day, every day. Today’s first creepy thing was a 2-inch millipede strolling across the bathroom floor at 5:30 AM. Today’s first disgusting thing was a pile of puke on the seat of my Gator. I attribute the puke to the feral cat that’s …

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Oct 23

Crone runs out of Benadryl spray

One might imagine that, in an extreme drought such as the one that has plagued the picturesque Texas Hill Country lo these past several years, mosquitoes would be pretty thin on the ground. Well, that might be true for rural acreages where knuckleheads have not installed miles of gutters and drainpipes that never fully divest …

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Oct 21

Crone hears screams, discovers horrific tableau

Another day, another disturbing new nature fact! Here’s what you learn when you poke around the carport in search of the source of an unfamiliar and alarming squealing sound: Patch-nose snakes eat leopard frogs alive. It takes a while for the snake to swallow the whole frog. During the process the fully-conscious frog screams in …

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Oct 21

Crone flummoxed by feral cat

Feral cat of unknown origin sticks tongue out at the cronal hand that feeds it.

I always knew this day would come. A feral cat has slunk its way into the menagerie here at Dreadful Acres. All manner of varmints — the spiny, the scaly, those with and without canine teeth, or skeletons, or hide, or hair — maintain a disconcertingly constant presence in and around the Cronal Compound. This …

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