Category Archive: Characters

Feb 24

The Fresh New Arcadian Horror

Decades before I ever thought I’d hang up my Les Paul and repair to the countryside to cultivate my eccentric reclusiveness, my college pal Leslie dropped out of society. She bagged her life of nonstop excitement and glamorous adventure in Chicago and biffed off to Bumfuck, Kentucky to raise endangered farm animals. I’m sayin, Kentucky. …

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Feb 15

Hay there

We were down to about 20 bales and I was starting to get nervous. An empty hay barn is a dispiriting spectacle. No crone can rest easy in a hay vacuum. Two years ago, as a result of the worst drought since the dawn of time, you couldn’t get a flake of hay in Cottonmouth …

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Dec 11

Blogging all my nowhere posts to nobody

Homespun text banter with the president of my ISP

My brain used to be a Size 10, but all that carrying-on in the 80s and 90s shriveled it down to about a Size 2. Thus it’s not uncommon for me to come down with blogular amnesia. By which I mean, I just completely forget I have a blog. Sometimes for days on end. I …

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Dec 02

The tale of the infuriating handyman

Infuriating handyman emerges from some dreadful attic.

Winter. It shouldn’t be allowed. Sure, at the moment it’s 80 degrees and I’m flitting about the farm in a pair of sporty Bermudas, but then again it’s only December. An epic freeze of 35, 34, maybe even 32 degrees (the horror!) is in my future, and I shudder to think. See, there are about …

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Nov 11

CroneTalk with Clem and Lester

Clem: Hey, have you seen the Crone anywhere? Lester: She’s not pulling a deer out of the dog’s throat? Clem: Not since this morning. Lester: Is she battling an incursion of vibrating daddy longlegs over at the loafing shed? Clem: If so, the spiders won, because she’s not there now. Lester: Daddy longlegs aren’t spiders. …

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Nov 06

Crone shakes fist at sky

Last Sunday I was, like any decent eccentric recluse, minding my own beeswax. My horse Ginger Rogers needed a beauty treatment, so, lost in the simple thoughts of a simple bumpkin, I was hosing her down in the Equine Spa. Someday we’ll have a real indoor wash rack with hot and cold running water, a …

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Nov 02

Overheard on the construction site

mm

The scene: a couple of dude carpenters in their early 30s are shooting nail guns into barn rafters 25 feet up. Distorted Christian rock blares from overdriven radio speakers in nearby Ford F-150. Texan Carpenter A: Marilyn Manson actually really scares me. Texan Carpenter B: Whoa, I know! He’s a freak. A: You know who …

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Oct 31

Crone is ma’am-o-grammed by hog-trappin’ cowboy

So Crone, you say, what’s doin’ down at the good old manure pile? Behold a couple of feral hogs, caught in a hog trap. The trap was set, and the photo taken, at the manure pile by my excellent barn contractor and fellow Cottonmouth Countian, Travis. Travis isn’t his real name, I confess. His real …

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