Category Archive: Horses

Mar 27

The crone and the post-hole sirens

Gate latch

Well, the horses got out. First, though: you know how horses are in the wind? Let me refresh your memory. There’s something about an ordinary, garden-variety tornadic gale that sends a horse plummeting into a sort of infinite feedback loop of blind terror. They prance around, their eyes look crazed, they snort and blow, they …

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Apr 23

Crone sits in ugly tack, remains in denial about horse’s fatness

It was windy the day the butt-fugly treeless endurance saddle arrived. This meant that test-riding it on Pearl (see Figure 1), my recently recommissioned Arabian endurance prospect, would be out of the question. Pearl objects on principle to wind, and, of late, to saddles. Yes, it has dawned on me that these contingencies might be …

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Apr 05

Crone rides for 37 seconds

Man, I always thought it might come to this, and sure enough, it has. I have to complete an endurance ride on a loony Arabian to win a bet. The situation could not be more rife with potentially hilarious hijinx. For example, I don’t know jack about endurance. In fact, I can barely endure getting …

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Mar 18

Field notes from the Equine Behavioral Studies Dept.

Stella. March 2009.

My young grey mare Pearl looks like a little porcelain unicorn, but she has fearsome intellective powers, which powers she unfortunately inclines toward the service of evil. Her practical jokes include bucking me off, terrorizing the other mares, throwing her feed pan in the air, kicking down stall boards, and, the latest addition to her …

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Feb 26

Of Fitbits and horse spits

The object in the photo is my recent Fitbit. If you aren’t familiar with the self-tracking craze that’s sweeping the nation, and I sincerely hope you aren’t, the word “Fitbit” will mean nothing to you. I regret to say that Fitbit is a little electronic pedometer that you put in your pocket, whereupon it tracks …

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Feb 09

Gross crap oozes out of horse, again

It’s a fact: horses with chronic ventral midline edema are endlessly fascinating. You can bet that a few days ago when my mare Ginger Rogers suffered another relapse after a two-month dry spell I could pretty much see “Internet Sensation!” written all over her crusty, serum-oozing umbilical carbuncles. It was the work of a moment …

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Dec 03

Chronic affliction blows crone’s lobe

Everything a crone needs to combat oozing lumpomas.

By the shaking jumping ghost of Jehosaphat (by which oath crones occasionally swear when they’ve already yagged out “god fucking dammit to hell are you fucking kidding me” about 67 times and are then inclined toward a brief, restful phase of ironic 19th-century folksiness), I tell you I can’t stand it another minute. By gum. …

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Nov 19

Pink apocalypse (Apinkalypse) part 957

cancerhorse

Shoptivism. That’s when people who have a little too much breast cancer awareness buy crap with pink ribbons all over it. Thanks to the awareness-behemoth Komen Foundation, there isn’t a soul anywhere in the known universe who isn’t aware as all get-out. Well, let me clarify. Hardly anybody is aware that Komen, in all its …

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Nov 17

Stella takes it in the teeth

I thought I might go a week without a veterinary encounter of the third kind. Ha! Just as I was burrowing into the couch with crone-appropriate shawl over my shoulders and a big steaming bowl of jambalaya in my lap, my hateful iPhone chirped the news that it was time for Stella’s 6-month dental checkup. …

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Nov 13

Crone holds forth on the horrors of re-riderdom

Having made the acquaintance of some re-riders,* I hypothesize that all of us are scared shitless. I took 35 years off after the usual fearless horsey childhood. Big mistake! If you don’t use it, you lose it. I can’t pinpoint with any accuracy the precise moment at which I devolved into a spineless greenhorn tenderfoot, …

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