Category Archive: Horses

Nov 11

CroneTalk with Clem and Lester

Clem: Hey, have you seen the Crone anywhere? Lester: She’s not pulling a deer out of the dog’s throat? Clem: Not since this morning. Lester: Is she battling an incursion of vibrating daddy longlegs over at the loafing shed? Clem: If so, the spiders won, because she’s not there now. Lester: Daddy longlegs aren’t spiders. …

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Nov 10

Ginger Rogers’ massive swelling baffles science

Behold Ginger Rogers’ awesome pair of pus-bags. Well, technically they’re not pus-bags. The vet says “generalized cellulitis.” Well, what does she know? ‘Pus-bags’ is more poetic, and therefore more accurate. In any event, the facts are these: poor Ginger Rogers is afflicted with a hideous oozing inflammation, as well as with 15 or 20 hard, …

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Nov 10

Crone complains about horse dudes

Ginger Rogers is off to the vet this morning. I want the doc to have a look at her belly-bomb. It is now the size of Guam and is leaking fluid in torrents. Trailering horses is a nightmare. I just don’t do it often enough to get good at it. I am a lone crone, …

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Nov 07

Ginger Rogers afflicted

Well, it’s official. Ginger Rogers has onchocerciasis. That’s right. Parasitic worms living in the connective tissue in her neck — and may I say holy shit — have migrated to her umbilicus and are causing a crusty, weepy edema about the size of a grapefruit. Shoot me now. ___________ Photo: Ginger Rogers’ swollen belly button …

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Nov 06

Crone shakes fist at sky

Last Sunday I was, like any decent eccentric recluse, minding my own beeswax. My horse Ginger Rogers needed a beauty treatment, so, lost in the simple thoughts of a simple bumpkin, I was hosing her down in the Equine Spa. Someday we’ll have a real indoor wash rack with hot and cold running water, a …

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Nov 04

Why horses suck: Reason #174

This is my fat hunter, Ginger Rogers. Before coming to Dreadful Acres, Ginger Rogers lived in boarding barns her whole life. She was incarcerated with no turnout and got fed according to the industry standard, two times a day. This funky situation, combined with her natural alpha-mare charm, encouraged her to develop food aggression. This …

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Nov 02

Of fences and anxiety attacks

Dreadful Acres has a handy 20-acre hay field. Of course this field has lain fallow for decades, and since I haven’t the faintest idea how to grow hay, it will probably lie fallow for decades more. “Lie fallow” is not a phrase I ever had occasion to use before I moved out here. Anyway, some …

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Oct 25

Gross horse reality neither jibes nor jives with cronal nostalgia

The author riding her first horse Serenade, ca. 1970

When you’re a kid — and I’m sure nobody will mind if I continue addressing these essays to the International Vagina Community; it is an ingrained habit, and, unlike most habits in which crones indulge, it has, at worst, a neutral impact on the good of humanity — but as I was saying, when you’re …

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