Feb 05

Crone predicts own existential funk

BarnSo much has transpired since last I remembered that I had a blog, it’s ridiculous. But don’t worry. I won’t bore you with any of it. Suffice it to say that it was all dreadful. However, I can’t resist posting a couple of pictures. Observe the new Dreadful Acres barn, approaching (but never attaining) a state of completion. And only six months behind schedule!

Work, of course, has skreeked to a standstill. This is consistent with the natural order of things in the wild world of dwelling construction. When one embarks on a construction project, it is well to bear in mind that it will never be finished in one’s own lifetime. Currently we await the rubber floor installers, who are running a month late.

BarnBecause I can’t imagine that too many other people are stupid enough to buy rubber floors for their flippin’ hobby barns (thus clogging up the rubber floor installation queue), I can only surmise that the rubber floor installer dudes just don’t feel like installing any rubber floors at the moment. Presumably they are partying at a Sandals resort in Cancun.

In any event, within a few weeks the floor will be in, and then the stall fronts can be installed. At which point I suppose it will be possible to actually put horses in there.

Holy crap. Horses in my barn? The mind reels. I’ve been designing this barn since I was twelve. I’ve uprooted my whole life, moulded it to this specific purpose, and spared no expense to accommodate the fulfillment of this childhood dream of barn perfection. A sense of foreboding engulfs me.

BarnUndoubtedly what will happen is, at the moment of truth, I will escort the mares to their new luxury quarters, take their picture, and then turn them right back out again, because there is no good reason to confine a horse in a barn on a perfectly good sunny day when it could be lounging around under an oak tree in a perfectly good pasture.

Then I will stand in the aisle of my exquisite empty barn and gaze at it, somewhat brokenly. I will experience an existential pang at the inevitable realization that horse barns do not constitute a high moral purpose or embody great philosophic value, and that my ever-misguided search for Truth and Beauty has met another dead end. Thus bringing to a dramatic culmination the dream of 42 years.

As the good old poet said, “the world is a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.”

I can’t wait!


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  1. Tarr

    That is one fine looking barn.

  2. ChariD

    That is a beautiful barn, Twisty Crone. If all else fails, it could easily be converted to kitty condos.

  3. Yatima

    I frankly covet your barn. I do.

  4. Irene

    So glad you are back in the blogging business. Let us know hwo the mares like their new digs!

  5. Sargasso Sea

    My gawd, it’s beautiful! :)

  6. Michelle

    Maybe so, but it looks gorgeous.

  7. Pinko Punko

    I try to tell me myself that it is certainly a privilege to have the “is this all there is? why am I disappointed” feeling- a creeping malaise, but when you are stuck in the middle of the feeling, it isn’t rational really. Then I think I am like Spinal Tap at Graceland- “a little bit too much perspective!”

    Happy that coyotes are not picking over crone bones!

  8. Hattie

    Actually, that is beautiful.

  9. Val

    Woo-whee!!! That there is one dadgum fancy barn! It will be easy to fill up those stalls… 😉

    I felt privileged when, slowly but surely, my Nigel replaced the old chain-link partitions w/slotted wood & iron bars (you know, a traditional-style barn)… Now all my stalls are full & I even have two “spares” outstanding in the aisle at feeding time. Like you, I see no reason to confine ponies to stalls when they have a perfectly nice pasture in which to lounge around.

  10. Comradde PhysioProffe

    I don’t know jacke fucken dicke about barns, but that sure looks lavish! I bet your horses are gonna love it when they get to move in!

  11. gingerest

    That barn is more architecturally interesting and better thought-out than my apartment. Also I was sorry to see that “rotting frogs” means something more horrible at Dreadful Acres than the mere return of amphibians to the vile muck from whence they sprung, unwept, unhonored and unsung.

  12. quixote

    That’s one hella beautiful barn! Can I come live in the hay loft? At least during the benign couple of weeks in spring and fall when it’s not freezing or broiling.

    I have to tell you, I grinned like a toddler when I saw there was a new post from you.

  13. Aunti Disestablishmentarian

    I love a good clerestory.

  14. Belle

    If the horses live outside during the nice weather, you can always rent out the stalls to those of us who long to live in such spacious quarters! That’s the kind of barn people live in; maybe the horses would be happier in the house? Gorgeous thing. Major green-with-envy going here.

    I’m with Quixote: I grinned like a toddler when I saw there was a new post from you!

  15. buttercup

    That is one spectacular barn.

  16. ew_nc

    Forgive my ignorance of luxurious barns, but how does one get the horses to the upstairs stalls? Or are those studio apartments? Because I’d totally live there.

  17. wondering

    That is a truly wonderous barn. Even without the rubber flooring. I swear I am drooling right now.

  18. pheenobarbidoll

    Hell, I’ll come live in it if the horses won’t. That’s nicer than my whole house.

  19. Ron Sullivan

    I’m with Aunti up there in loving a good clerestory. Someday maybe I’ll even learn how to pronounciate it.

    Me, I’m ready for the rubber walls.

    Yay gorgeous barn!

  20. Hermionemone

    Oh THAT poet! Brilliant word-player, and English isn’t even his first language.

    Nice barn, Miss Twisty. It kind of belies the dreadfulness you claim pervades your environs. Or maybe, it underscores the contention that looks are deceiving – this beautiful stable building, the horses swishing tails lazily under an oak on the boundless green horizons, all belie the sordid reality of corruption and festering decay beneath. But you know, festering decay IS the underlying principle of the universe. Advanced animals (e.g. equines, bovines, hominines who build, inhabit, and flush out farm outbuildings) are nature’s way of improving the habitat for more E. coli.

    Underlay, underlay, arriba, arriba!

  21. Kokovoko

    Can I come live in your barn? Please? I believe it is, indeed, the perfect barn. Good work!

  22. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    “Advanced animals (e.g. equines, bovines, hominines who build, inhabit, and flush out farm outbuildings) are nature’s way of improving the habitat for more E. coli.”

    This is precisely my dreadful point! To my everlasting anguish.

    Also, Cremeady, where the hell have you been?

  23. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    By the way, it has not failed to occur to me that, although this barn looks pretty good now, on accounta it was just painted, pretty soon it will be engulfed in dirt and cobwebs that I’ll never be able to get rid of because the ceiling is like 28 feet high and let’s face it, my days as an aerialist are over.

  24. shannon

    I thought I was the only one who had been designing barns for horses since the age of 12! I built many models of this exact barn for my plastic horses.

    Congratulations on having the real thing, finally.

  25. shannon

    PS: it really looks more like a dairy barn: the whiteness, the cleanness, the concrete blocks. Are you sure you weren’t fantasizing about being a dairy farmer?

  26. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    Many consider wood barns for horses to be more elegant or traditional or whatever, but I’m not down with that whole dank, dark, 19th century harness room aesthetic. I wanted something clinical and severe that I could pressure-wash and disinfect, and I wanted to be able to see when I was doing it. Thus, concrete block and clerestory windows. I’m grossed out by that layer of barn-filth toward which horse people are often in the habit of turning a blind eye. That’s why I’m already disgusted with my soon-to-be cobwebby rafters.

  27. Laura

    Humble though it may be, providing for the comfort of other living beings (esp. those in a position of lesser relative power) is pretty fricken’ noble IMHO

    This is why “purse dogs” and their owners seem not as bad as is popularly portrayed- most people are not so unfeeling that they shove their dogs into a handbag with the dog howling in protest- these dogs have been bred to be everywhere-companions and relatively docile. And although urban life may seem “unnatural,” such dogs may have a more varied and stimulating experience than those chained to a tree in a backyard. (The critiques seem more class-based; the rich are an easy (and, admittedly, worthwhile) target.)
    /long tanget

    Point being, the indoors are a lovely place that protect beast and man from the elements/predators, and efforts to provide access to shelter for other living beings is a high moral purpose!

    Plus, you know, form following function yields beauty! When architecture works well, it is less noticeable and when it *doesn’t* work, it is almost impossible *not* to notice.

    Fuckin’ utility is beautiful, although admittedly stuff that looks nice is awesome as well, but previous commenters have covered that. High arched ceilings and windows, mmmm, I would totally pay to sleep in the upper lofts like some sort of rural radfem hostel ohyes.

  28. Jezebella

    Apropos of barn fantasies, have you read Rita Mae Brown’s mysteries that she “co-writes” with her cat, Mrs. Murphy? Alas, Ms. Brown gave up her vaguely autobiographical lesbian characters of earlier years for an also semi-autobiographical butch-but-hetero horsey character, but my point (and I think I have one) is there is rather a lot of talk about barns, horse gear, horse transportation, and the ideal barn floor and oat mixture and whatnot in those books. Perhaps you have found them already. If not, and if you’re at all into mysteries, these are probably right up your alley.

  29. Alison Sandford

    That barn is a wee work of art! So spacious. So bright. So adaptable! Here in Scotland barns have to have walls about three feet thick,with heavy slate roofs & humungous wooden doors,lest they get blown away in the horrid Winter weather. They always look a bit dark & depressing & smell of damp. Yours looks like luxury!
    Glad to see you back blogging again; was becoming a tad worried.

  30. c2t2

    Add me to the waiting list for a stall of my own. It really does look better than the craphole I currently inhabit.

    Rafter cobwebs usually add to a barn’s charm*. However, I’ve never known a barn roof lined with ultramodern fucking SKYLIGHTS, so that might throw off the charming aspect.

    *does not apply to the creators of said cobs.

  31. tinfoil hattie

    What a beautiful barn. Lucky horsies.

  32. noshoes

    I’m so happy you’re back. Ridiculously so!

  33. Contingent Cassandra

    Beautiful! I, too, would happily move in.

    Somebody must make some sort of long-handled vacuum attachment/duster thingy for cleaning the chandeliers in those ridiculous two-plus-story foyers in mini-mansions (yeah, I live in about the opposite landscape from yours. I have no wish to live in one of those things, though I wouldn’t mind tearing down about two dozen of them, building one sensible smaller house, and trying to restore the land, though I think that would take a couple of centuries). Perhaps you could adapt said tool to cleaning rafters in your far-more-practical clerestory?

  34. Helen

    Bugger truth and beauty – it’s nice to see you blogging again.

  1. Death in springtime » Dreadful Acres

    […] pleasing to the human eye, the architecture of the barn — involving a 25-foot raised center aisle with skylights and fixed clerestory windows all around […]

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