Mar 24

Crone totally loses it

If there were some kind of contest for lack of rural aptitude, I would definitely own that thing. Guess what stupid thing I’ve done now.

Did you guess “put in a vineyard in the Back Forty”? You’re right!

You can’t just buy a few grape vines and stick’em in the ground, it turns out. Instead, you have to enclose the entire acreage in deer fence, run power and water out there, install irrigation lines, and erect what the vineyard guy is calling “a little house” for reasons I have yet to grasp.

Yeah, I said “vineyard guy.” You are obliged to engage one of these, because, remember? You don’t know jack about growing grapes.

That’s bad enough, but then you have to have arguments with your winemaker about what to call the winery, even though the first harvest is still at least two years out. We’re gonna be making rosé, so naturally I wanted to call it Summer Winery. It has its own flippin excellent video already.

However, the winemaker, my longtime sidekick Stingray, has put her foot down. “Summer” is apparently the worst winery name since “Mommy’s Juice.” Her reasoning eludes me. “Rosé isn’t just for summer anymore!” she keeps insisting. Fine, I counter, but we’re talking about a name, not a set of instructions. You don’t take it literally, it’s only meant to suggest a certain mood, elicit a certain feeling. It’s poetical, a metaphor. Is pasta alla puttanesca eaten only by prostituted women? Pull yourself together, woman!

This fight isn’t over.


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  1. Reynard Ridge

    Alas, I agree with Stingray. Literally, schmiterally, a mood that makes you think of summer is limiting. One marketer’s opinion, so, you know, do with it what you will.

  2. Kaethe

    While I appreciate the clarity of “Summer Winery”, I’d hate for you to not consider other options I’d love to place an order with Crone Winery, or Twisty Vinyards, or Chateau de Obstreperous. So many delights to choose from.

  3. Val

    While I should be updating my own sorely neglected blog, I’m thrilled to see a new post from ya…

    My neighbor planted HER vineyard – sheesh, has it been 4 or 5 yrs ago??? but needless to say, w/recent drought conditions she hasn’t harvested a single grape… Currently shipping in CA grapes to supply their label:


  4. Belle

    What? You didn’t have enough with the dogs, horses, cats and (gobsmackingly gorgeous) barn? You need more frustration and trials?

    From a completely selfish standpoint, I am thrilled. A whole new thread of Crone-ish commentary!

  5. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    I’m totally down with Château d’Obstreperous, but apparently I’m not allowed anything remotely jokey, either. Stingray is a serious wine geek, and apparently wine is no laughing matter up there in the oenophile’s rarefied aerie.

  6. Kaethe

    oh, well

  7. Pinko Punko

    The upmarket imprint should just be Dreadful Acres. Maybe a little Charlie Brown xmas tree type vine on the label. I perceive that Stingray will have already vetoed the drawing of a sowsed Crone of Cottonmouth County passed out in a porch rocker with a comical fly buzzing around. Nothing says 20th straight day of 105˚ than that!

  8. quixote

    I want to place an advance order for a bottle when you start selling. And what’s with the no-humor labels? Craft beers do it all the time. Dog Bolter, for instance. That one has a picture of a dog running for its life. (What? What? Beer is too declassé for oenophiles?)

  9. Comradde PhysioProffe

    Chateau d’Cisterne

  10. Satchel

    “Hummingbird Tears Winery” has a ring to it.

  11. gingerest

    Blackchin Winery, with a picture of a (not dead on the floor of the barn) hummingbird on the labels.

  12. poltroon

    Oh, funny absolutely sells wine. People buy wine by the label – it’s a known fact.

    As an example, I cite:


    Hummingbird Tears FOR THE WIN!!!!!

  14. buttercup

    I will definitely buy wine by the label if it’s clever or attractive and not too terribly expensive. Found a great Pinot Noir that way-going by the name “Pinot Evil” with the three monkeys on the label. Delicious and reasonably priced.

  15. KateDangerFantastic

    Graptemys Winery? A la map turtle. Nice reference to the grape too.

  16. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    Holy crap. Combine my love of map turtles with my love of rosé wine? It’s genius. Could use a stylized image of the shell as a logo. 10 to 1 Stingray will go all marketing-hack on my ass about the questionable pronounceability of the word, though.

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