Oct 27

Icy fingers of dawn choke Crone

Winter gloomWhat, you ask, could today’s melanbucolica possibly be? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the depressing morning raincloud sky, coupled with the season’s inexplicably having bloinked from summer straight into winter literally overnight. As I lay in bed curling a wrinkled lip at the grim panorama, the icy purgatorial skidsteer of doom crashed through my window and dumped a ton of bricks on my usual dawnzerly euphoria. Thus I didn’t even notice, as I snapped this photo for blogular posterity, the furry woodland creature frolicking in the foreground. Get out of my gloomy photo, you flippin cute-ass deer!

Next I’m digging around in the back of the closet for the flannel-lined pants. Would there be a scorpion back there, perchance? Why of course.

But wait, you say. Flannel-lined pants? But surely it can’t be lower than 75 degrees there in Cottonmouth County.

I wish! A little-known fact about the Texas Hill Country is that it is second only to, I think, Siberia in terms of winter nippiness. I’ll have you know that the Tractor Supply thermometer I stuck in the kitchen window asserts that it’s a bone-chilling 43ºF at this very minute. That has to be a North American record.

As you are aware, I am a world-renowned expert on evolutionary biology, and I’m here to tell you that Texan crones were never intended to be scumbling around in the dark with hay and foul-smelling cat food at such extreme temperatures. We require flannel-lined pants and hats with ear flaps under these challenging conditions. Not to mention vats of coffee and slices of hot cinnamon raisin toast and people to complain to who nod sympathetically and say things like, “Oh, you poor thing, let me rub your feet.”

Smudge, the feral cat, has successfully transitioned from under-the-horse-trailer to a blanket in the garage, so at least I don’t have to worry about him freezing to death. But at this time of year I always freak out about the horses dying of hypothermia. My vet, and other sensible, science-based horse-sperts, assure me that blankets are absolutely unneccessary in 40º weather. Intellectually I know this to be true, so I strive to stay my hand as it reaches involuntarily for the stack of Rambo Supremes. But damn, it’s a struggle. Last night I was out there in the paddock at 2 in the morning, feeling their ears and chucking them the “extra flake of hay” that (spuriously, in my opinion) is said to “warm them up.”

Naturally this morning none of them were very dead, but if I keep up this obsessive-compulsive midnight snack behavior they’re all going to turn into land whales and founder. Not to mention I’ll croak from sleep deprivation.


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  1. pheenobarbidoll

    YES!! What the hell happened? It was 90 2 days ago and now it’s 40 degrees.

    Maybe it’ll warm up soon. Last year it snowed on christmas day, but hit 80 on New Years Eve.

  2. quixote

    Lard. I lived north of there once and how well I remember the passage straight from the seventh to the ninth circle of hell.

    Here in SoCal… no, come to think of it, you don’t want to hear about the weather here in SoCal.

  3. aetherbee

    Here in the UK, over the summer, folk have been applying sunscreen and flyspray to their hardy native crosses during the day, and rugging them up at night in temperatures well above 10 degrees C. Even when stabled. Madness!

    Love love love your blaming. I do sometimes feel like a lone feminist drowning – not waving (raving?) – in a sea of P and IBTP has been a lifeline. Unfortunately, up until now, my love for ellipses and emoticons has prevented me from commenting.

    I have also enjoyed hearing about your menagerie, both wild and domesticated, especially your horses (my other love, alongside equality for women) so am thrilled you’ve started this Dreadful blog. Your childhood does indeed sound idyllic! I’m ‘well jel’ as any modern English teenager might opine … :)

  4. tinfoil hattie

    “Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
    (Still the dead one lay moaning)”

    (Stevie Smith)

  5. Carpenter

    48 Hours ago it was sunny and 80 degrees, now I am going to get hit by a Blizzard and a Hurricane having a baby.

  6. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    Are you talkin about Sandy? Holy moly, that thing sounds positively Hollywood.

  7. veganrampage

    Sandy is coming, Sandy is coming! The freak out everyone everywhere shit-storm from hell that creeps inexorably nearer. Nary a word, sans mention the cause – catastrophic climatic change of said shit-storm
    passes through the lips of the many headed corporate media spokespersons. Science ain’t science when it’s bought by the highest bidder. I’m including Academia in that.
    So glad Smudge is settling in. Cats long being associated with the female have been through hell, but I don’t need to tell you that. Cats were burned at the stake right along with women as witches. So many cats were killed in Europe that Bingo, that’s correct, rats spread the Black Death even more ferociously, and we know how well that went. Don’t fuck with cats, and don’t fuck with black cats ever. They’ve already paid a high price just to exist.
    Love the new blog.

  8. tinfoil hattie

    Carpenter, here in Northern VA we’re just going to get high winds, and lots of rain. Flooding, too, I’m sure. We’ll also probably lose power.

    Atlantic City, NJ, and other coastal, Mid-Atlantic areas are supposed to get the full brunt. I hope you’re not there! If you are, I hope you are safe. Yikes. It’s creepy, just sort of sitting around waiting for the onslaught. It’s like waiting while someone goes through surgery, or waiting for labor to get going nice & hard.

    I’m in dread of the whole event. Not to mention, the snow! And people not having power when the temp drops. I feel very uneasy, as I know others do.

  9. Carpenter

    Yeah, I think the only way the entire thing could be worse would be if some third kind of atmospheric disturbance also made a surprise entrance, like maybe a huge meteor or a giant solar flare.

  10. c2t2

    Ooh, is this an invitation to a vagina-measuring contest? Mine’s totally bigger! We have
    Spearfish, South Dakota.

    Also Vivian, SD, has the record for largest hailstone. Bwahahaha.

    I have no idea why I continue to live in a place that varies over 150 degrees every single year.* How in the HELL did anyone survive before electricity?

    *Oh yeah, it’s cuz I’m poor and disabled. Moving is sort of impossible.

  11. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Chillier temperatures should knock down your arthropod population. Or at least make them a little more sluggish and easy to kill.

  12. Alison

    My mom keeps horses in northern Alberta. It regularly gets down to -30 celcius and colder in the winter and they are just fine. They have a barn to go into in inclement weather.

    (I’m also here via IBTP. I was a faithful reader and will miss it but I totally get how sitting around dissecting the P and all the ways women get regularly screwed over by it can wear you down after awhile.)

  13. tinagrrl

    First — TIT (This Is Texas), what do you expect?

    Next – our complaining about the weather today, while much of the East Coast seems to be blowing away, seems to be like complaining about ONLY having two homes, while others have none.

    I firmly believe that all the vaunted country living so many folks dream about is a nightmare. Then again, you seem to be involved with mares at night — so — BLOG ON!!

  14. minervaK

    Yay for Smudge moving to the garage!

    I know what y’all mean about this freakin weather. Even as a lifetime Texan I’ll never get used to the Blue Northers. I lived in Massachusetts for about a decade and was never as cold as when one of these overnight bastids blasts in. I think it might be because you don’t get a chance to gear up for it. You go to sleep in a tropical paradise and wake up in fucking Michigan. It’s a shock to the system, I tells ya.

  15. The Crone of Cottonmouth County

    October 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm:

    First — TIT (This Is Texas), what do you expect?

    I expect to exercise my birthright as a Texan to complain about the weather at will.

    Next – our complaining about the weather today, while much of the East Coast seems to be blowing away, seems to be like complaining about ONLY having two homes, while others have none.

    Following this line of reasoning, I shouldn’t be writing a blog at all, since there are millions of illiterate persons in the world who can’t read blogs, not to mention the millions with no computers to read blogs on.

    I firmly believe that all the vaunted country living so many folks dream about is a nightmare. Then again, you seem to be involved with mares at night — so — BLOG ON!!

    Thank gawd, a joke!

  16. K

    “dawnzerly euphoria”? Have you been reading Beverly Cleary? Or did you arrive at “dawnzerly” independent of Ramona Quimby?

  17. tinfoil hattie

    The dawnzer! It gives a lee light!

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