Well, it’s finally happened. And why wouldn’t it? Why wouldn’t my desk become infested with tiny pus-colored, speck-like entities that look like they’d be right at home inside a moth-eaten 100-year-old taxidermied jackalope? Frankly, I’m shocked that it took’em this long. Since I moved out here, nature’s indifference toward the personal sovereignty of H. sapiens has pretty much been the universal cry echoing through the hills. Life in the middle of nowhere is a losing battle against the tireless encroachment into one’s personal bunkhouse of violently aggressive life forms, most of which have teeth, stingers, venom, or all three. That my desk has heretofore been pus-colored-entity-free seems unbelievable.
Since discovering them this morning, I have been devising two working theories that could explain the tiny pus-colored entity population explosion: either my iMac has spawned nanobots, or, possibly, this:
For years the bunkhouse was rife with scorpions and brown recluse spiders and a crap-ton of every other bug you can think of. I shied away from chemical solutions because, cancer. But it was too ridiculous. I was smashing 2 or 3 brown recluses a day. So last summer, realizing that it was pretty miraculous that neither I nor the dogs had been envenomated yet, I finally cried uncle and called in an exterminator to douse the joint with carcinogenic toxins, whereupon the arthropods were done in.
But — and here’s the part where it gets kind of relevant to the pus-colored bugs — what if the dispatched spiders, or some other collaterally damaged insect population, had actually been instrumental in keeping the tiny bugs in check? What if, by killing the brown recluses, I have inadvertently set in motion a tiny pus-colored bug apocalypse? Obviously this is the butterfly effect moment that will ultimately bring human civilization crashing down in a pus-colored shitstorm.
Sadly, I cannot test my hypothesis without re-introducing the spiders, so this is another Science Mystery that will have to go unexplained because I am too lazy to ceaselessly toil in pursuit of Truth. Until further developments develop, I will continue to implement a squish first, ask questions later policy regarding the tiny pus-colored bugs.
Here’s a pretty dreadful thing, though. Once you have discovered a bazillion bugs on your desk, your entire body starts itching.
Photo of pus-colored bug taken with a ProScope Mobile at 50X magnification. It’s blurry because the dang bugs move fast and 50X photography with a handheld scope is hard.